When you have small children, their needs can seem endless,
and they always want more of your time and attention. As parents, and especially as moms, we are
wired to respond to our children by meeting their every need. The baby cries, the toddler wants someone to
play with, and the school-age child needs help with homework. Before you know
it, it is time to make supper, give baths, read more stories, answer a million
wonderfully imaginative questions, and finally put the children down to bed.
But that’s not the end—they often need water, have to go to the bathroom, get
hungry, get scared of the dark—and they still need you! By the time they finally drift off, you
probably feel like going to bed yourself.
But you still have to clean the house, get ready for an upcoming social
event, pack lunches for tomorrow, take care of a work project—and your partner
needs your attention, too! After 6 years
of being a mom, I am just figuring out how to find time to squeeze in a shower!
What a precious thing it is to spend time nurturing
children! But having your whole life wrapped up in your kids is not good for
you or them. When parents make themselves
so indispensable to their children that they cannot tell them to play alone
sometimes or leave them with another caregiver, they breed an unhealthy
dependency and fail to provide models of the kind of healthy, balanced adults
they want their children to become. Parents who don’t take time for themselves
are in danger of burnout, depression, and a temptation to live vicariously
through their kids, which puts children under enormous pressure. In contrast,
parents who have lives of their own send this message to their kids: “I am a
whole person with talents, interests, friends, and a role in the community. I
take responsibility to do what is necessary for my own health and happiness and
will not blame you for my problems or depend on you to make me happy (what a
relief!). I want you to be a whole and healthy person who takes care of
yourself.”
Your children take cues from your emotions. There’s an old
saying that goes like this: “When Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” The
best thing you can do for your family is to keep your emotional outlook stable
and positive. It is better for the
children (and partner!) to have their demands unmet at times than to have you
do everything they ask and be miserable.
Some big ways you can do this are to get sleep and exercise, nurture
your spiritual and emotional well-being (get a counselor if necessary), spend
time with your partner and other friends (real-time, not Facebook), develop
your interests, and contribute to your community (whether by getting a job, volunteering,
supporting friends in need, or civic activism).
Involve your family in these activities sometimes, but not always.
Children need social networks, too. “Child trauma expert, Bruce D. Perry, has
further concluded that kids need a minimum of five caring adults in their lives
in order to thrive.” (Source: Firestone, Lisa. Helping Parents Distinguish Love
from Emotional Hunger. Psychology Today,
June 22, 2012, retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201206/helping-parents-distinguish-love-emotional-hunger)
By allowing others to care for them, you
help them build a wide support system and learn to be part of a community. It was painful for me at first to admit that
my child could grow in important ways through the influences of people other
than myself, but his life is richer because I have allowed him to interact
independently with other adults.
At this point, many of you are probably saying, “That sounds
great, but I just can’t. I’m too busy and/or don’t have enough money.” There
are always options if we are willing to be creative. Teach your children to
entertain themselves safely and leave you alone for certain periods of
time. Swap childcare with other parents. Tell your partner what you need. Join the YMCA (it provides free childcare
while you exercise/shower and offers reduced membership rates for low-income
families). If you qualify for free
preschool, take advantage of it. Take
ownership of your choices. Don’t say, “I have to _____.” Say, “I want to _____
because.” This will help you become
aware of your priorities and your power to choose. Be intentional about your parenting, too.
Take the time to think about what you want to do for your children over their
lives and how you are going to do that. You can’t be the parent you want to be
until you become the kind of person you want to be. Your kids may grumble now, but they will
thank you later.
